Cancer Free Undies
by jinkiez
Summary: Cartman has a new retarded scheme to make money, but Butters is the only one that will help him.


_This is really dumb! XD but i was bored._

* * *

It was a nice and quiet, peaceful day after school. Stan, Kyle and Kenny sat around in the grass, taking turns burning the heads off a bunch of old barbie dolls they'd stolen from Stan's sister Shelly. Kyle noticed a chubby figure in a blur through the corner of his eye, and it seemed to be running straight for Stan's backyard where they played. He looked up to confirm the misfortune. "Oh god. Here comes fatass." he mumbled. Kenny and Stan looked up to see the boy running faster than he had ever run before. "You guys! You guys!" Cartman shouted from across the yard. They momentarily stopped their afterschool activity to see what the big fuss was about.

"What is it this time, Cartman?" Stan sighed. "You guys! I have the best. Idea. Ever." the fat boy panted vigorously.

The other boys looked at him, waiting for him to continue. "Okay. Are you ready? It's...cancer-free underwear." he blurted out. Kenny raised an eyebrow. Obviously, their excitement didn't quite match his own. "What the hell does that mean?" Kyle asked.

"Well, you know how people are so scared of getting cancer nowadays that they'll do anything to prevent it? My mom got me all these crappy pairs of underwear from Wal-Mart, and I obviously don't need them. So I thought, hey, we can sell them to people saying that they'll _prevent cancer_, and then charge them like $100 a pair! Genius, right?"

"That's the dumbest idea you've ever had..this week." Kyle replied. "Mmhmm, I agree." Kenny spoke muffled through his hood.

Cartman's face went from excited to raged. "No it's not! It's totally smart! You guys are just jealous you didn't think of it first!" he yelled.

"Okay, whatever. We're still not going to help you exploit a serious disease for some lame ass scam." Kyle argued. "Besides, nobody would be dumb enough to believe that _underwear _is going to prevent cancer. It's impossible."

"Yeah Cartman, I mean you've come up with some stupid ideas before, but this one is pretty retarded." Stan added, picking up the flame lighter to resume in the burning of dolls.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm going to prove you hippies wrong! If you don't want to help me, that's fine! Just means more money for me then. Screw you guys, I'm going home!" Cartman raised his middle finger at them all, pointing it in the opposite direction, then stormed off angrily.

* * *

_10 minutes later._

Butters was drawing pictures of smiling suns when he heard the doorbell ring. He opened it to find Cartman standing there with a pile of stuff in his arms. "Butters! I have the greatest idea ever, but I need your help." he panted.

* * *

_20 minutes later._

Butters pulled at the ugly suspenders on his pants, watching as they flung back at his chest annoyingly. He put the briefcase he was holding down for a moment to reposition the oversized glasses on his face. It was Cartman's idea for them to dress like nerds, though he wasn't sure what exactly that had to do with the plan.

Cartman had his hair gelled and wore a lab coat with large glasses. Presumably to look like a scientist, but he instead looked more like a retarded nine year old playing dress up.

"Okay, what did you do with the briefcase?" he asked. "It's uh-right here." Butters picked up the briefcase and they made their way down the street. The door-to-door salesmenship had begun. Cartman smirked to himself..he knew that by the end of the day, Kyle and those douchebags would be so jealous once they found out how much money he'd made. Money simply wasn't a matter for people when it came to cancer. He'd be _rolling_ in it - and they wouldn't be able to handle the envy.

* * *

_30 minutes later._

Cartman sat on the curb, rubbing his hair angrily. The briefcase was still full of unbought underwear, even after visiting every house on the block. Their tally so far = zero sales.

"God dammit! Why doesn't anyone want to buy our stuff! It's not fayaiirrrr!" he whined.

"Wuh-well maybe we just haven't found the right target audience yet. We've only tried sellin' em to people in their mid thirties and fourties. Maybe they don't care about cancer all that much." Butters responded. In all honesty, he thought the idea was pretty darn silly even when he first heard about it, but he didn't want Eric beatin' him up or nothing so he just went along with it.

Then a light-bulb went on in Cartman's head. "That's it, Butters. We just have to find some old people. Old people are super lame and will believe anything you tell them!"

Butters shrugged. "Well, I know one house a couple blocks down, an' they say some old crazy lady lives in it. Maybe we should try there." he suggested.

* * *

_10 minutes later. At the old crazy lady's house._

They waited on the doorstep as an old woman came out, one large popeye staring down at them in interest. "Can I help ya darlins'?" she croaked as she opened the front door. This woman must have been at least 80 years old. _Perfect, _Cartman thought.

"Oh hello Maam!" he said through a fake cheery smile. "We're part of the American University of Cancer Studies of Colorado. We were wondering if you would be interested in some our special, groundbreaking new products in cancer prevention. How would you feel if I told you that_ you _could be cancer free for the rest of your life?" he piped up.

The woman raised a hand to her chin and rubbed it, her popeye closing slightly. Butters couldn't help but notice the pulsating mole on her forehead. He cringed slightly at the sight.

"Well, y'see chap, I've got so many diseases already..I don't think getting cancer would hurt much. Y'see, every day I wake up to more broken bones, not to mention these strange warts that have been popping up all over..it also seems lately that my hair is falling out." She pulled a large wad of hair from her scalp, and suddenly Butters felt overwhelmingly guilty. He started to wonder if maybe helping Cartman was a good deed afterall.

"Not to worry maam, our specially designed underwear can help you with all of those problems. They're made with all natural cotton and infused with antioxidants and other medicines that will cure all your health problems." Cartman explained. He nudged Butters in the arm, and the boy pulled a cheap pair of wal-mart undies out from a briefcase. "Uh-here you go lady, have a free sample. T-They're really flexible, so uh, one size should fit all."

The woman took the underwear and stretched them with her bony fingers, as if to test their durabilty. "My my, these _are _very nice panties." she commented.

"Why yes, they are. Super durable, and they'll solve all your troubles!" Cartman grinned.

"And these are scientifically engineered, you say?" she inspected them with her focal glasses, obviously not noticing the big "Fruit of the Loom" tag inside of them.

"Yes maam, developed by NASA scientists." Butters replied nervously.

"Well in that case, I'll take 12!" the lady responded. Cartman's face lit up right then and there; he had her by the hook now. "No problem! That will just be a hundred dollars, please." he said.

She looked hesitant for a moment, but then spoke. "Well..I suppose that's a fair price for health. I'll be right back with the money, now don't you whippersnappers go anywhere!" She turned and shut the door, retreating back into the house to find her purse. Cartman waited ecstatically, unable to keep the huge smile off his face. He couldn't _wait _to get a juicy bite out of that hundred dollar bill.

"You know, Eric, I-I dunno if what we're doing is really right." the other said, interrupting Cartman's conniving thoughts. _God dammit_, he thought. He was _not_ going to let Butters ruin this one for him. He shot a devious glare, while Butters nervously rubbed his knuckles together.

"What are you talking about? This is freaking awesome! She's going to pay me _one hundred dollars _for some crappy underwear that only cost $5 at Wal-Mart!" he mused. "This is our best accomplishment to date!"

"W-wuh well, yeah, but I just don't think it's very nice trick old ladies. Besides, what do _I _get out of this for helpin' you, anyway?" Butters asked.

Cartman furrowed his eyebrows. Obviously, the jew tactics from Kyle had begun to rub off on Butters; he was starting to expect compensations for his efforts. "Well asshole, you can either keep your mouth shut _or _you can have a knuckle sandwich. The choice is yours." he warned, raising a fist. Butters decided to keep quiet after that. He kept his focus the door, anxiously waiting for the lady to return.

The woman returned seconds later with her purse, hunching her way back to them. "Ehh sonny, I found my purse. But it seems I don't have a hundred dollars at the moment. How about instead I give you five dollars and some cookies? I just made them and they're very sweet, _oatmeal raisin _I might add." she grunted.

Cartman's face went blank, his hopes shattered into pieces. It was _all _just too good to be true, wasn't it? Whenever he thought he'd finally won at life, God had to come and rip the dollar signs out from before his eyes.

"Maam, I don't think you understand that these are state of the art undergarments we're talking about. I can't just sell them to you for five dollars." he argued.

The woman looked sad for a moment, then sighed and turned around. "Well, I'm afraid you'll just have to take your business elsewhere then. Good luck." She was just about to shut the door on them, but Cartman budged his arm in before it could close. "Wait! Five dollars is better than nothing...Perhaps we can make a deal."

* * *

_30 minutes later. _

Cartman threw his glasses on the ground as he counted the five dollar bills in his hand. He wiped the cookie crumbs off his mouth. "God damn penny-pinching senile bitch!" he mumbled. "She totally owned us!"

Butters just shrugged. "Aw, don't be so harsh Eric. At least you made _some_ bit of money."

Cartman furrowed his eyebrows. "Whatever. I guess you're right. So we didn't get our asking price, but at least we got_ something_. Besides, those cookies weren't too bad."

Butters looked at him in bewilderment. "Wait. You..you ate the cookies? _All _of them?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah dude, they tasted pretty good." Cartman burped. But the way Butters was staring at him started to frighten him. "Butters; why are you looking at me like that?"

"W-Well..i-it's just that, rumor says that there's an old lady on that street who likes to give little children p-poisoned cookies. I heard a few months ago, a kid named Billy Turner died just because of that."

Cartman's eyes went wide in fear. "OH MAH GAHD! Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so. You've probably only got 5 hours until you're next." Butters replied in a grim tone.

"Oh Jesus, I gotta go get my stomach pumped!" Cartman dashed down the sidewalk like a madman, not noticing the five dollars he'd dropped on the ground as he left.

Butters smirked evilly as he watched him run away. He picked the dollars up off the pavement and stuffed them into his pocket. "_Idiot_." he cackled.


End file.
